The Elephant in the room

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The Element of Fear

 

When I was asked to write this blog for Kingstonhelps.ca, I thought it was a great opportunity and I jumped at the chance with an enthusiastic response as I have in the past with other terrific prospects. Unfortunately in the past, the opportunities have come and gone, leaving me feeling unsuccessful; shaming myself for not doing what I tell myself I can do and want to, but don’t. What blocks my action to complete these tasks when I want them so desperately? As the days go by and my shame deepens from work undone, I only avoid the work more and do everything else leaving me feeling depressed; but why?The day is here; today is the day I show my work to whom I would name ‘unforeseen teammates’ just a few short years ago and includes several professionals along  with one of the most respected Doctors in our city and I am frozen with fear.

I have sat in front of my computer for weeks, months in fact, trying to write the perfect blog with textbook advice through clever words. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of being wrong. Fear of not being smart enough or worthy or accepted by those who are accepted by so many. Fear of judgments. Fear has closed many doors for me and I have allowed it. Fear has been at the helm, steering my entire life and all my choices.

So how can I move beyond my fears to be; the person I see myself to be? The person I want to be. Thankfully, my years at FCMHAS have not left me struggling for answers and I use the tools I have learned to reflect on this problem.

Fear is my head, don’t get me wrong, ‘dangers’ are real, but ‘what is the ‘danger’ here?’ I ask myself and the seed of my new perception is born.

These fears are not real, not physical dangers and really only affect my ego. No one has physically died or has been injured from embarrassment, so what have I really got to loose? I tell myself my ego and I have been slaughtered before in the eyes of many, considering the drug charges and jail and whatnot; then I laugh out loud. I have lived through the annihilation of ego before in a Hollywood manner so surely a few words on a blog could never be worse, well written or not. This reflection not only brought a smile to my face but loosened my belt of fear and I feel I can breathe again. As I write this I think of so many things I can share if only allowing myself the gift of being free to be myself. A gift I never realized was a gift, until recently. We all have something unique; a special gift to share with our world. My past experiences and current life situation have created a person with insight into a world many know little about which is the very reason I have been asked to do this blog. I cannot promise award winning writing or snappy intelligent words since I am somewhat dependent on spell check and the synonym functions of this word program but I will be me which is all I can be. I will try to be open and honest about things that matter to me and hopefully you too, including the elephant in the room today; the element of fear. I’m going for it! Hugs Delina